Letting go while holding on tight

I found this in my Facebook memories this morning, as one of those back-to-school musings from years ago. They struck me again as words to remember, and rather than reshare there, I thought I'd memorialize it over here on the blog, with a note about how poignant these words are to me, still.

"Life seems to flood by, taking our loves quickly in its flow. In the growth of children, in the aging of beloved parents, time’s chart is magnified, shown in its particularity, focused, so that with each celebration of maturity there is also a pang of loss.

This is our human problem, one common to parents, sons and daughters, too--how to let go while holding tight, how to simultaneously cherish the closeness and intricacy of the bond while at the same time letting out the raveling string, the red yarn that ties our hearts."
-Louise Erdrich, The Blue Jay’s Dance

Friday night grateful list

Tonight I went on a Rumi jag, and found some fabulous words that make my heart full and happy. And grateful.

That one about being irritated? Well, I just might need to get that little reminder as a tattoo, some days. :)

I hope you have a grateful weekend. I plan to spend mine by the fireplace, if this rain keeps up. Such a chill to the bone!

Wishes for warmth, and peace.

Friday night grateful moment

Tonight I'm telling my week in photos, mostly...

We had a lovely time in Arizona with Ma and Pa. Sightseeing, good food, nature, sunshine, more good food, maybe a nap or two, and Mexican train dominoes. All essential to a little down time! (More pics in the Instgram feed to the right.)

For the first time in a long time I didn't watch the Oscars. Just didn't care about it enough to stop what we were doing, or prioritize watching. But truly, I didn't feel like I missed anything--you can see everything you'd want to see via clips online, etc. My favorite variation on the Ellen selfie thing involves a corgi (of course!). And my John Travoltafied name is Sebastian Crawzford. Awesome.

Ma and I reviewed Oscar dresses on my iPad, with our thumbs up and down. My very favorite dress is the one below. I'm not the biggest Zooey fan (but not a hater, either), but that dress has my name on it.

Leaving Arizona and coming home to spring-like temperatures here too, I got even more in the mood for color and sunshine and more color and green sprouty things coming out of the earth. More and more every day...

Inspiration came from Facebook... (I need that fabric in my life!)

 And Etsy... (I feel a crafty project coming on!)

From Instagram... (I love a good word-art combo!)

On Thursday night we got to watch the young gentleman of the household be inducted into the National Honor Society. That made our hearts very happy, for him. A great thing to be a part of for his last couple of years of high school, I know he'll be glad to have participated.

Peacefulness is very present in our home tonight. Quiet, except for some doggies making soft snoring noises. I'm so grateful for a jam-packed week with work and play and travel, sunshine and rain, love and laughter. Blessed and happy and tired and so so ready for the weekend.

Wishing for all the above for you, as well. Have a great weekend.

Peace.

One Little Word for 2014: Pray

When this word first crossed through my mind, I thought, oh, I can't pick *that* word. That will be making far too big a deal of my faith; I mean, I'll actually have to write about it, on the blog. (Because you, know, God forbid I actually pick a word for the year and NOT blog about it!). But of course, once I had that actual conscious thought, I knew it WAS the word, whether I acknowledged it or not. And I've lived long enough on this planet to know that nothing good comes from stuffing it down and not living what and who you are. So that's my word for this coming year: Pray.

Prayer is such a fraught thing. When someone tells you they're praying for you, it can hold a myriad of agendas and baggage. I've been there and felt that. It can also be the biggest gift possible. When someone loves you (and loves you in a healthy, open and unconditional way) and says they're praying for you, it takes the weight of the world off your shoulders. I've been there too, and felt such weight being lifted; it's amazing.

A few weeks after mulling over the word, I was at Grandma's and leafing through some of her journals and lists and such. She has been such a keeper of information over the years. Aside from the logging of what she gave and got for Christmas or birthdays, and the binders full of ancestry information, she has jotted little thoughts and notes about her daily doings. They can be rather amusing to read now, out of context; I'll point to one or another and ask her if she remembers what this or that note was about, and if she does we talk about it for a bit. It can lead to some pretty interesting conversations.

On this visit, I happened upon this poem by Helen Steiner Rice, a Grandma favorite. And while Rice might not have written my personal must-have books of poetry, I have a sentimental heart for her writing and what it's meant to Grandma. In my very "me" way, I saw this poem as a sign of validation for my word (of course!), and had to snap a picture of it. Grandma is quite used to me taking out my phone and pointing-and-clicking it at various things in her apartment, and she usually gives a funny shrug and a smile.

You can tell by the picture that my grandmother had great penmanship, in her day. I would date this writing at maybe five years ago, given that there's some shake, but not nearly what she has now. It's unmistakably her handwriting, and there's preciousness to that for me as well.

For all my condescending little smiles about Rice's poems over the years (much fewer as I've gotten older and wiser) (and kinder, too), these words cut right to exactly why Pray is my word this year:

A New Year Prayer
You are ushering in another year
Untouched and freshly new,
So here I am to ask you God,
If you'll renew me too.
But, Father, I am well aware
I can't make it on my own,
So take my hand and hold it tight,
For I can't walk alone.

I've had years where prayer was a regular occurrence, and years when that has not been the case. The years themselves haven't been dramatically impacted by my prayer, or the lack thereof--I would never try to make a case for "and then I prayed and it all got better!" Sometimes it seems almost unmagically the opposite; real challenges arise when you lay yourself bare and see revealed your damn humanity and all the ugliness that implies. (Or maybe that's just me?)

The years themselves, and the events that have unfolded within them, have run the usual gamut of good, bad and indifferent. I would venture, though, that the difference has been subtle but palpable, between the times I've been in close communication with God and not--to me. Well, mostly to me. If you know me very well, you might be able to tell. (Maybe.)

That's where the C.S Lewis quote comes in: I pray to be that quote, to have that kind of need, and be changed by praying.

In a way, I feel like Pray could (should?) be my word, every year. But I also still feel that way about Pause (2010), Focus (2011), Grace (2012) and Light (this year). I love the way these words stay with me, and layer on top of each other. I've even said, laughing, that I must be a little slow, because I feel like I just get the word into my consciousness, and then wham, it's a new year with a new word. I need an overlap year, where I can hold onto the word from the past and move forward into the new word... it's all rather beautiful and complicated in my own mind... I'm sure you get it, too?

But the thing that makes me so happy about this word, and why I could see holding on to it for awhile, is that this word makes a lot of other words (and things) fall into place. At least, that's how I imagine it *could* go... If I put the proper attention to living this word, I have optimism that other priorities will align. Of course, now that I've said it out loud, the "other shoe dropping" part of my nature is poised, waiting for something to mess it up and distract me, obfuscate my vision from that which I know is important. You know, my usual ADHD. Awesome.

Here we go, off into another year! Wish me luck. Or, better yet, pray for me. ;)

Small stones: January mindful writing challenge

As has been evident on the blog these past few months, I struggle to make it all fit. With work, home and life, the effort of noting the everyday gratitudes and inspirations and writing them down has proven one task too many. Cooking happens, but it's pretty ad hoc, and is more often than not along the lines of assembly rather than creation. When creation happens, the act alone takes my focus, and remembering to record it in any fashion seems like a faint memory. Golly, that sounds so pathetic as I write it! It's not, really. I think it's just called life.

As was the case in April with the blogging challenge, and again in November, if I am faced with a commitment, something I said I'd do every day, I somehow rally the Puritan work ethic and soldier on. Go freaking figure.

Well, here I am with a challenge again. This one too had its promptings from Lisa (who pointed me in the direction of the April challenge), and when I saw that the theme is 31 Days of Waking Up, well, I knew I had to sign up!

The idea is to observe one thing every day and write about it. They're called "small stones," meant to be unintimidating, I suppose. Though for me, fewer words tends to mean editing, really paring down the blather. Yikes.

But, quotes like:
“Use your life to wake you up.” ~ Pema Chodron
and
Instructions for living a life.
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it. ~ Mary Oliver

...further sealed the deal. I must participate, mustn't I?

Stay tuned. Play along (I would love the company!). My goal is for January to be a month of observance: small stones, daily.

Thirty days of gratitude: Days 11, 12, 13, 14 and 15

This week has gone by in a blur. Yes, I've done my #gratitude30 thing, but only over on Instagram, feeding to Facebook and Twitter. But the blog? Yep, nope, none of that action, obviously.

Day 11: Indulgence

It seems rather humorous as I write this now (with chocolate bread pudding in my tummy), but earlier this week, when I took this picture, I was working hard at being "good" with my nutrition--salads and kale and such, and no sweets. So I decided to veer away from what I normally would post as an indulgence (dessert!), and took a pic of my new flannel pajamas (which are so very warm and cozy). Since that time, however, the parents have come to visit and while salads have stayed on the menu, sweet things have joined as well. The healthful way of being will return on Sunday!

Day 12: Nature

We are surrounded by beauty in our part of the country, but on this day I was feeling an autumn nostalgia for the trip that Corinne and I took last fall to NYC. Nature is such a big part of my world, and living close to nature has become very important to me in recent years. So seeing this patch of green on day 3 of our trip, when I was about up to here with crowds on the subway, felt pretty good. I can only imagine how grateful the people of the city are, to have this place to come and breathe.

Day 13: Rest

This guy knows how to rest. He can sleep all night and then wake up, have breakfast and nap for awhile. One of the many reasons we are such kindred spirits.

Day 14: Friendship

Seth has a longtime friend who came with us on vacation a couple of summers back. (I would not take just any kid away with our family for a week, that's for sure! This young man is special to us.) I am so appreciative of their friendship through the years. I think one of the hashtags I used for Instagram was #brotherfromanothermother.

Day 15: Beauty

I feel blessed to see beauty around me, every day. Some of that is because there really ARE beautiful things around me, but part of it is because I choose it. I choose to see beauty, to acknowledge the mundane (the sky! the fields! the pups! look at that tree! squirrel!). I love beauty.

Have a great weekend; enjoy the blessings around you and I hope your grateful list is long!

Thirty days of gratitude: Day 6

Today's word is inspiration.

It is hard for me to think of inspiration without thinking of words. In general, I believe that the words I'm meant to see, meant to pay attention to, will make themselves evident in my life, through one channel or another. I believe this because it has happened time and time again, when I open myself up to the possibility.

Sometimes I wonder what mighty words have slipped by me, on the days I'm less awake. But I try to focus on what DOES come my way, what has the ability to move me, soften my heart, make me more of the kind of person I want to be and know I'm capable of being as a child of God.

Today, these were the words that reached out to me. And, as so often happens, they were exactly the words I was meant to hear.

Friday night grateful moment

So much to be grateful for tonight.

It's Friday night. And as I say, quite often, I haven't looked forward to a Friday this much since last Friday! I'm positively giddy with the prospect of sleeping in tomorrow morning.

This week was Seth's birthday, the young man turned 17 and we had a lovely time together. He woke up very happy at the prospect of this milestone. Somehow 17 seemed to him a much bigger deal than 16. I think the car and the job have something to do with it, and he's really stepped up in his overall responsibility level. We're quite proud of him.

Seth and his cousins last Thanksgiving. They've each grown about a foot since then!

I'm grateful for the sunshine, which appeared today and seems to be on tap for the whole weekend. That delights me so very much, as there are some vast swaths of yard that need a bit of tidying before the fall weather tips into winter weather. I can sense the audiobooks being queued up for hours of listening/weeding pleasure!

The garden is winding down. I went out this afternoon and pulled up some pepper plants and harvested a few of the more mature butternut squashes. There's a rumor of frost tonight so I wanted to be a bit prepared. While I miss the burgeoning harvests of August, I am grateful to still have ample kale and a variety of squashes. Sure wish a few more tomatoes would ripen though... that's a bit of a pipe dream, I'm sure.

Anticipating the month of October makes me grateful. For family (visits!) and friends (visits! birthday celebrations!) and the boy (his birthday party too!). I'm looking forward to it all. And after October there's November, with Thanksgiving and our anniversary, and then there's Christmas... you get my drift. Lots of celebrations coming our way, and I will be grateful for each one.

And there's the season itself. Autumn. I have been the usual amount of grumpy (just a little) about the darkness, but in general I am happy happy about the change in the air quality (crisp and sharp, great to breathe in in big gulps as I head out in the morning to work), the change in the light as it filters through the trees, the cloud formations as they move so quickly through, one storm after another ... Autumn is lovely.

I'm also grateful that September is over. I enjoyed the blogging challenge, and am glad that both Jen and I had the stamina to eek it out every day. There were a couple of days when I thought, "Really? Really? Not feeling it. Let's take a break." But in the end, it all worked out, more or less and neither of us had to eat crow, or whatever it was that we agreed the not-blogger would have to suffer if 100% posting wasn't achieved.

I'm grateful for friends who walk their talk. I was shown a beautiful example this week of grace in the face of loss and disappointment, and I was inspired.

And rather than posting the NSFW Pooh quotes that Jen sends me sometimes--they are hilarious, but entirely inappropriate for the blog--I will leave you with this lovely thought:

Wishing you love, joy and tenderness! Yes, sing it.

Peace.

Sept. 20: Friday night grateful list: Holiday time!

Today's blogging challenge: What is your favorite holiday and what are your traditions around it?

Well, this is what I get for blogging late in the day: I look like a big, fat copycat. Jen already posted about Thanksgiving, and that's my favorite holiday too. Thankfully, I have lots of documentation of my holiday love, not the least of which... it's the day husband and I got married!

There are a lot of great quotes about Thanksgiving and gratitude/thankfulness, but I am always very grateful to find a new one that speaks to me. Just today, I saw this on Facebook, and my heart sang with joy:

I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder. -G.K. Chesterton

To prove my love for all things Thanksgiving/anniversary, here's a rundown of posts since the blog began:
2008
2009
2010
2011
2012

As Thanksgiving approaches this year and we contemplate our time with family, I think about all that I enjoy: the food, the family, the relaxation of the day. I love autumn, so I will undoubtedly be past the grief of losing summer fruits and veggies, and by then I surely will have embraced all things pumpkin. I will be happily wearing sweaters and boots and appreciate the chill in the air and the lack of yard work.

Our traditions are fairly simple:
*Turkey dinner with all the fixings (turkey substitute too). We have many "stand bys" but there is usually a little room to experiment--though, not with the pumpkin pie. Husband needs the pie to be regular--none of this "sour cream pumpkin pie" or "pumpkin struesel pie." Pumpkin. Pie. That's all he asks.
*Decorate a bit--leaves and pumpkins and candles.
*Wake late, eat breakfast, then lay around for awhile before thinking about dinner.
*I have stretched the boundaries of Christmas decorating to include possibly decorating the tree on--or near--Thanksgiving, if I am home. This may confuse some, but I enjoy it.
*Watch movies and/or football. Surely there's a 007 marathon on somewhere?
*Nap.
*Maybe go for a walk if we're not too groggy.
*Make dinner.
*Eat dinner. Recount our many blessings.
*Lay around some more.
*Depending on how large the celebration is, play a game of hearts, or Taboo, or Pictionary.

Don't we sound like a barrel of fun? Why yes, we are! Ha. We have even been known to combine Thanksgiving, a couple of birthdays (Ma & Pa) and Christmas into one big (and multi-day) festival of family love, which we call Thanksbirthmas. It's pretty spectacular.

Tonight I am ever so grateful that Thanksgiving exists, and that it is coming up in the not-too-distant future.

What is your favorite holiday, and why? 

Jen and I (and occasionally my mom and Lisa too!) are blog challenging throughout September. You can catch her blog over at Stuff Jen Says. If you want to write along with us, give me a shout and I'll send you the blog prompts.

Sept. 13: Friday night grateful moment, or: what is your favorite quote, and why?

Ah, Friday. So good to see you.

The blog challenge for today is to share a favorite quote. In the singular. Ha ha ha. Favorite? My favorite changes quite regularly. It depends on mood, weather, moon cycles, you name it.

So, obviously, I can't share just one. And I'm going to mix in the gratitude with the quotes. That's the kind of cleverness you have come to expect here on the blog, I know. And I aim to deliver.

This week was a mix of work and non-profit-ish work, which felt a bit like play, except for the hours spent s.i.t.t.i.n.g. I am not used to that. My stand-up desk keeps me somewhat spry, and when, on the second morning I planted my butt in the same chair as day 1, it spoke up and said, "Hey, don't sit on me again." Seriously. But the conversations and discussions and presentations were all lively and interesting and louder than my butt, thankfully. So grateful for thoughtful minds.

Last night I was grateful to get to spend time with dear friend Kate, and we wandered the Queen Anne farmer's market and a few other shops. There were some really fabulous looking/smelling food trucks there, from mac-n-cheese to quesadillas and artisanal ice creams.

We wandered back to Kate's car via a shop that had the following quotes available--and many more--very simply typed out. I looked for quotes I haven't seen before, or quotes in a larger context/paragraph, which I'm also a big fan of.

So these are my favorite quotes. Today. As Jen said in her post, ask me next week, and they will be different!

I am also excessively grateful to be with family tonight. Spending time with my brother and family is a favorite of mine, and it's been toooooo long. Looking forward to some of our traditions (football for boys, shopping and Indian food for Kim and I), quiet time, naps, walks, movies, food... all the good stuff.

Wishing you a lovely weekend, full of all the good stuff you enjoy!

Jen and I (and now my mom and Lisa too!) are blog challenging throughout September. You can catch her blog over at Stuff Jen Says. If you want to write along with us, give me a shout and I'll send you the blog prompts.

Monday morning inspiration

Last night I was feeling a bit dreary that the weekend was over, that I hadn't gotten enough done, etc. etc. And then... we watched Pitch Perfect. I guess I'm not supposed to tell on the guys, and make it sound like I watched it all by myself, but that's silliness. Guys can be in the room when singing goes on in a movie, can't they? Of course they can. I am pretty sure I liked the movie much better than either of them, but it was a light little bit of nonsense, if you haven't seen it, and the music is just a bunch of fun.

I'm a big Rebel Wilson fan, since Bridesmaids, and her part was a hoot. (There's a barfing scene mid-way through this clip that you may not want to be eating while viewing. It's a little unreal, but thought you should be warned!)



And of course, you know the PS22 kids have a version of Beca's When I'm Gone audition song too:



Woke up to rain again today; it's like the Oregon Coast has come to us, since we're not going to it any time soon! Misty and drizzly and definitely a stay-at-home day... except it's not!

So I'll watch this video again, and be inspired to put a little urgency in my step today! Love the visual.



And for when summer actually does arrive, a few words for the occasion:

Let peace come to you, out from where it's hiding behind the sofa and under the bed. You have done enough for now. Let summer surround you. Let everything rest.
-Karen Maezen Miller

Happy Monday, I hope it's a great one for you!

Midweek reminder: I needed to tell myself a long story about life

I learned to garden the way I learned to write--out of necessity. We needed vegetables and flowers, and I needed to tell myself a long story about life--I am still telling it--a kind of beanstalk that grows and grows, and I can climb it, both to escape the possibility of life at the bottom, and to find another world where giants and castles and harp-playing hens are still to be found.

Gardening, like story-telling, is a continuing narrative. One thing leads to another. Like stories, there is always something going on in the garden long after the gardener has gone to bed. The thing grows, unfolds, changes, develops a maddening life of its own. For me, as a writer, I go to sleep with an idea in my head, and it takes hold during the night. I open the back door in the morning, and the tulips that refused to look at me the night before, have opened in the sun.
-Jeanette Winterson