Midweek reminder: Never forget how much I love you

vividly remember the first time I heard this letter; it was in the Ken Burns Civil War PBS series, and my rather unsentimental (at the time) young heart fairly jolted at the words. I specifically remember getting the chills round about the last paragraph. Quite amazing how a momentary emotion can stay with one...

Fast forward almost 20 years and my more mature (you know what I mean) sentimental nature is now pretty well documented! So you can imagine the self-indulgent wallow that is possible for me, listening to these dear words. (The swell of violin music doesn't hurt, either.)

Here's how I first heard it.



But I also appreciate reading it, words on a "page."

This letter serves as a reminder to me that, even in our dramatically different non-civil-war times, letting my dear ones know that they are loved, and that I'm sorry if I've been petty or catty or just plain mean, is not simply a thing to strive for, but to make a reality, every single day. Life is way too short to not say those words, every single day. 

July 14, 1861
Camp Clark, Washington


My very dear Sarah:
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days—perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write again, I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more...


I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans on the triumph of the Government and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and sufferings of the Revolution. And I am willing—perfectly willing—to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt...


Sarah my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly with all these chains to the battle field.


The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them for so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when, God willing, we might still have lived and loved together, and seen our sons grown up to honorable manhood, around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me—perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar, that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battle field, it will whisper your name. Forgive my many faults and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have often times been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness...


But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the gladdest days and in the darkest nights . . . always, always, and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath, as the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by. Sarah do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again...

Sullivan Ballou was killed a week later at the first Battle of Bull Run, July 21, 1861.

Born March 28, 1829 in Smithfield, R.I., Ballou was educated at Phillips Academy in Andover, Mass.; Brown University in Providence, R.I. and the National Law School in Ballston, N.Y. He was admitted to the Rhode Island Bar in 1853.

Ballou devoted his brief life to public service. He was elected in 1854 as clerk of the Rhode Island House of Representatives, later serving as its speaker.  He married Sarah Hart Shumway on October 15, 1855, and the following year saw the birth of their first child, Edgar. A second son, William, was born in 1859. Ballou immediately entered the military in 1861 after the war broke out. He became judge advocate of the Rhode Island militia and was 32 at the time of his death at the first Battle of Bull Run on July 21, 1861.

When he died, his wife was 24. She later moved to New Jersey to live out her life with her son, William, and never re-married. She died at age 80 in 1917. Sullivan and Sarah Ballou are buried next to each other at Swan Point Cemetery in Providence, RI. There are no known living descendants.

Ironically, Sullivan Ballou’s letter was never mailed. Although Sarah would receive other, decidedly more upbeat letters, dated after the now-famous letter from the battlefield, the letter in question would be found among Sullivan Ballou’s effects when Gov. William Sprague of Rhode Island traveled to Virginia to retrieve the remains of his state’s sons who had fallen in battle.

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Friday night grateful moment

wo tidbits to share tonight, each with a bit of gratefulness within the writing... they came to me at different points during this long-but-short week, like custom-written notes from the universe to poke me in just the right places.

A Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Rumi

Be Grateful to Everyone
If we were to make a list of the people we don't like--people we find obnoxious, threatening or worthy of contempt--we would find much about ourselves that we can't face.

If we were to come up with one word about each of the troublemakers in our lives, we would find ourselves with a list of descriptions of our own rejected qualities. We project these on the outside world. The people who repel us unwittingly show us aspects of ourselves that we find unacceptable, which otherwise we can't see.

Traditional lojong teachings say it another way: other people trigger the karma we haven't worked out. They mirror us and give us a chance to befriend all of that ancient stuff we carry around like a backpack full of granite boulders.

"Be grateful to everyone" is a way of saying that we can learn from any situation, especially if we practice this slogan with awareness. The people and situations in our lives can remind us to catch neurosis as neurosis--to see when we've pulled the shades, locked the door, and crawled under the covers.

Pema Chodron, Comfortable With Uncertainty

I hope your weekend has arrived at just the right moment in your week, to bring you rest and peace, and a little joy and love too!

Thursday 13: The opposite of deep thoughts

t's that kind of week, random and going by entirely too quickly. I do have 13 nuggets of information to share, of course. (I almost wrote nuggets of wisdom, but I think you'd agree that that would be pushing it...)

1. "Spring sports smell of sweat and sadness." That's our motto around here... Seth has a tennis match today and is eager to play, but the drip-drop of rain may hinder.

2. On the spectrum of acceptable adult behavior, cavorting in public is not the classiest thing (at least, that's what I've been told). (Bet you didn't know there's an adult behavior spectrum, aren't you glad I clued you in?) But when both individuals left other spouses to find that special happiness together, cavorting is somewhere well below not classy. People will want to avoid you. (I'll let you imagine what cavorting really is... brings up some pretty interesting mental images, doesn't it?)

3. My friend, Jen, is participating in National Screen-Free Week. Poor dear. Now would be a great time for me to give a recap of this week's episode of Smash (of which we are both avid watchers), don't you think?

4. At the rate we're finishing up our Easter candy (not), I'm giving fair warning to all relatives: look out for pastel colors in your Christmas stockings. Either I bought too much, or I bought too much.

5. I advised Seth yesterday that he needs to increase his revenue stream. We were talking about his card game hobby (Magic, the Gathering), but it later occurred to me that a more normal parental phraseology would have been: get a job!

6. Texting is awesome. How did one keep tabs on a traveling spouse before texting? I know, that question almost answers itself...

7. When you're looking to avoid someone, hiding behind bedding plants at Home Depot is probably not the way to go. By you, I mean me.

8. It's been a while since I've mentioned how lovely and green it is outside. It is indeed very beautiful, and I exclaim over the lushness, every day. Soon enough it will be 90 degrees. I'm happy with the cooler temps, and so are the plants! (Seth, not so much--see #1.)

9. Remind me to never buy a crewneck T-shirt again. Why do I still buy them when I vastly prefer v-neck? I cleaned out (well, mostly tidied) my T-shirt section of my closet yesterday and relegated the crewneck to a less-frequented area. Couldn't quite pull the plug on them--a thought occurred to me that maybe someone, somewhere, has posted a way to turn a crewneck T into something else? And of course, I found a couple of ideas very quickly and I know there are many more out there. And if all else fails, I can always just turn them into T-shirt yarn!

T-shirt scarf

Tank convert

10. Seth is reading to ME at night with the book we just embarked on--Madeleine L'Engle's A Wrinkle in Time. I think this is Seth's umpteenth time reading it, and it is sweet how much he wants to read it to me. I read it probably more than 30 years ago, so any memory is extremely faint. The first night, I actually fell asleep while he was reading, it was so peaceful. Mama's gettin' old...

11. I was thinking recently... if my life were a musical, I would like a Bollywood number to be included (yes, obviously I've been watching Smash...). And of course, since no one actually stars in the movie of their life, you would be spared my gyrations to said Bollywood song. I would *let* Katharine McPhee play me, of course. Not Uma Thurman. No. (You can thank me later, Jen.)

12. I probably didn't state it with enough exclamation points in my post on sourdough pizza dough yesterday: blue cheese on pizza is amazing!!!!! It was lovely last night and it will be for lunch today, too!

13. Chief practically accosted my friend Sara yesterday when she was here for a visit and tea. Like, inappropriately so. He's sweet, but boy that muzzle on him when he's looking for a little affection... silly pup.

OK, I think that's about all that's running through my brain that's fit to share. The rest you really don't want to be exposed to anyway, believe me!

I hope your Thursday is off to a great start, and the rest of your week goes swimmingly.

For other Thursday 13 participants, go here.

Sourdough pizza dough

y little dance with the sourdough concept has been going on for a few months now. I'm pretty consistent about taking it out of the fridge every weekend, letting it warm up and feeding it, baking with it, etc.

The bread I've made has turned out well, for the most part. There have been a few more leaden loaves, but that's usually my yeast-impaired skill set showing itself... I will continue to experiment and fiddle, and as the sourdough flavor develops and deepen, I have faith that the loaves will reflect that.

A number of friends have mentioned using their sourdough starters for pancakes and pizza dough, so I thought I'd take a stab at one of those. This recipe immediately popped out to me for a couple of reasons: no additional yeast, thus short "rising" (resting) time. Bonus for a family that traditionally decides rather last minute what's on the menu! Also, I extrapolated that the lack of yeast might yield a thinner crust, something I've been aiming for with varying success.

Sure enough, this dough delivered. Soft, very easy to work with, and delicious to boot. As always, we customize the pizza toppings to suit each person's particular tastes, which meant, of course, that mine was loaded with blue cheese on top of the usual mozzarella and parmesan. (I don't know who first thought of blue cheese on pizza, but I could kiss them. Love love love it.)

Sourdough pizza crust
1 1/2 cups sourdough starter
4 -5 tablespoons olive oil
 1 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 cups flour (plus a little more or less to adjust consistency)

Preheat oven to 500°F.

Mix starter, 1 tbsp olive oil, salt, and flour together in a mixing bowl until it blends and forms a ball (add more or less flour to adjust consistency; if you get it too dry just add a little more starter).

Allow dough to rest for about 30 minutes (don't look for it to rise, just to get the dough where it is easier to roll).

Roll out mixture on parchment paper or a lightly floured surface until it fits the size of your pan, turning the dough as you roll (if you want a more even circle).

Par-bake the crust on a pizza stone or pizza sheet for about 7 minutes, then remove from oven.

Before topping your pizza with any sauce, cheese, or toppings, brush the top of the crust all over with remaining olive oil (as needed), using a pastry brush (this helps keep soggy moisture out of the crust as it bakes).

Top as desired and cook until browned and cheese is melted.

If you use certain vegetables as a topping (onions are the first thing that comes to mind) you might want to cook those about halfway before topping the pizza with them (or they will be too crunchy).

Friday night grateful moment

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Three Cities of Spain cheesecake, creamiest ever

reamy cheesecake? Yes, please! This version of the classic is easy as can be, and the bomb to boot. There's really no other way to say it. When I first discovered this recipe, I knew I would return to it often, and I've made it many, many times in the years since. It's soft, creamy and very, very delicious. Which is not to say that it doesn't firm up properly--it does. It's just not the more "stiff" version so often associated with the New York, plain cheesecake style...

As I've said before, back in "the day," (2000, a lifetime ago in many ways) epicurious.com was THE go-to site for recipes. It still is, in many cases. How much better does it get than the combined recipe libraries of Bon Appetit and Gourmet?

Apparently I either have a very short memory, or I never properly understood the origins of the name of this recipe, but it's not about SPAIN per se, but a cafe in Santa Fe (now closed) where they made this dessert. So if, like me, you were wondering which three cities in Spain? Don't worry about it. Just make some cheesecake and enjoy!

Three Cities of Spain cheesecake
1 crumb-crust recipe made with finely ground graham crackers
3 (8-oz) packages cream cheese, softened
4 large eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup sugar

(I often make a larger springform with four packages of cream cheese and five eggs... I also very rarely make the following topping, but when I do, it is quite delicious as well...)

For topping 
16 oz sour cream
1 Tbsp sugar
1 tsp vanilla

Make crumb crust as directed.

Preheat oven to 350°F.

Make filling and bake cake: Beat cream cheese with an electric mixer until fluffy and add eggs, 1 at a time, then vanilla and sugar, beating on low speed until each ingredient is incorporated and scraping down bowl between additions. Put springform pan with crust in a shallow baking pan. Pour filling into crust and bake in baking pan (to catch drips) in middle of oven 45 minutes, or until cake is set 3 inches from edge but center is still slightly wobbly when pan is gently shaken. Let stand in baking pan on a rack 5 minutes. Leave oven on.

Make topping: Stir together sour cream, sugar, and vanilla. Drop spoonfuls of topping around edge of cake and spread gently over center, smoothing evenly. Bake cake with topping 10 minutes. Run a knife around top edge of cake to loosen and cool completely in springform pan on rack. (Cake will continue to set as it cools.) Chill cake, loosely covered, at least 6 hours. Remove side from pan and transfer cake to a plate. Bring to room temperature before serving.

My top tips for good cheesecake in general: 
* All ingredients at room temperature make for a much smoother (ie, no lumps) mixture.
* Bake low and slow. I bake at 250, rather than the listed 350 degrees. The cheesecake top will crack nine times out of ten at 350. Take the extra time (will probably add an hour to your overall baking time). If, however, the top does crack: make the topping. It is an excellent disguise to a less-pretty cheesecake surface.

Sweet niece Lucy gave the nicest compliment during the cheesecake eating: "This is the best dessert I have ever eaten!" Bless you, Lu! I agree.

Wordless Wednesday: Heavenly lilacs!

Ten Word Tuesday

Scent of lilacs, knife-cutting thick in the stormy spring air.

Common Miracles, Week 50

 “Rejoicing in ordinary things is not sentimental or trite. It actually takes guts. Each time we drop our complaints and allow everyday good fortune to inspire us, we enter the warrior’s world.”

–Pema Chodron 

h Common Miracles, I have missed you.

Well, you've still been around, but I have been a wee bit slack these past few weeks at noting your presence... but then, I took a peek at my iPhone, and there you were, in all your visual beauty.

Thank you for being so constant. My life is infinitely better because of you.

Alfresco weekend lunches with husband.

Blue skies through spot-free rinse at the car wash.

Pea shoots on the rise!

Family walks in the sunshine.

Fabulous grape hyacinth droplets.

Planning the flower pots for the season...

Late with the eggs, but just as fun!

First firepit of the season!

Bunnies as table decoration? Of course!

Boy is taller than mom. Wow.

Soothing sunsets to end the day. Peace.

To see how the Common Miracle project began, check out Chel's blog.

Friday night grateful list

queaking in under the line with my gratefulness tonight! It's the things I'm most grateful for that have kept me from my computer...

Family. My immediate family is here, in da house. So grateful for all of them--parents and siblings and nieces--that they had safe travels, and that we have the weekend to enjoy each others' company.

Laughter. We have laughed already so much since they all arrived, side-splittingly so. I LOVE that.

Spring. It's here, it's really here. That fact alone makes me wildly giddy. There is green everywhere, and blooms upon blooms. Supposedly we're hitting 80 degrees on Sunday? That would feel like summer, even!

My guys. Whether we're all sitting and talking about our days before bed, spending quiet weekend time together, eating dinner, watching a little telly or having our daily devotions before rushing out into the day, I am daily reminded of how blessed I am, how fortunate we three are to have each other (and each other's backs). Seth's hugs are legendary! And someone told me this week that they thought my husband is sweet on me. Such dear words, I thought. Just the thought of him, and that idea, made me smile.

Cooking up a storm. I love the excuse to have a half dozen different things going on in my kitchen, all at one time! I got most of my prep done last night, so pulling together chicken pot pie, enchiladas, cheesecake, cherry pies and other weekend odds and ends was lovely and reasonably quick. We'll eat well and it won't be a bunch of work at each meal. That makes me happy, too!

The hounds. Shelby and Kim's dogs came along for the weekend, so we have three pups on the property again! Chief seemed especially excited at the prospect of playmates... even with the size disparity--Dante and Beatrice are Cavalier King Charles Spaniels, about a third of Chief's border collie size--they sniffed and wagged tails and then frolicked together rather well.

Friends. I'm ever grateful for my mates, the people who round out my life so heartily with their presence, near and far. I am blessed.

My lawn edger. What a silly but practical thing to be grateful for, but I am. Very much. All the work of the brick edging last summer is showed off so nicely with the clean lines I can get with the edger. I had NO idea I would become such a yard implement dork.

Things that bloom. Trees of all kinds, shrubs, daffodils, tulips, hyacinths (big and little), strawberries... it's all in bloom, and some of it smells pretty lovely too. Knock on wood, so far the allergies haven't been horrific, and I've got a few naturopathic ideas to keep them at bay, too. If they work, I'll share--of course!

Sleep. It's coming, my eyelids are getting heavier as I type this... and I will welcome it with a great deal of joy. I am always grateful for a good night of sleep!

With that, I'm going to take this tired body to bed, knowing that our house is full of family and love and that tomorrow will be more time with these lovely folk. Yippee!

I hope your weekend plans make you go yippee too! What are you grateful for tonight? I hope your list is long, and maybe a bit more original than mine? What can I say... I'm grateful for what I'm grateful for!

Peace.